Are you taking things personally?

Most of us grow up learning that the only way to be successful in life is to be tough on ourselves. And inevitably, this leads to a subtle but powerful habit of negative self-talk. We think that if we’re tough enough on ourselves it will motivate us to succeed. But there’s a slight problem with this reasoning as being continuous harsh on your judgments decrease your performance. It can lead to low self-esteem and this will make you take things more personally.

If you struggle with taking things personally, you’ve probably heard the standard advice of letting things go and the cult favorite of all of us “don’t bother about what others think of you.”

We, humans, are social creatures, our biggest advantage as a species is the fact that we can coordinate and work together with each other. This ability depends on our capacity to imagine what other people are thinking and feeling, including about us. So it’s not surprising that we tend to care about what others think of us.

The only thing that can be done is to minimize that thinking sometimes when it disturbs your mental space, but keep reminding that this worry is normal.

So even when someone gives you negative feedback take it for that particular action or work, it is not your generalized behavior or character. I have a story to share here; while I was learning to drive a car in driving school, my coach used to say I was the slowest of all students driving. Here being slow was only meant that while driving I was slow. It is not generalized for my whole personality to be slow.  

A great way to stop taking things so personally is to stop paying attention to the stories we tell ourselves when we are criticized.

As for the above-mentioned driving story, I took it personally, in my head I came up with the different story of how I was called a loser and one who could never learn to drive. But possibly this is not what he meant. So it is like this we overthink and take all the blame on us without thinking. Thus try not to come up with any story. Easier said than done, of course, but fundamentally our tendency to tell stories to ourselves is a habit. And habits can always be modified with practice and patience.

“if you want to stop taking things personally don’t generalize a mistake in behavior to a flaw in character”.

As humans, we have a habit to respond emotionally. We should avoid giving that knee jerk reaction instantly at any situation, instead allow ourselves to rein in our emotions before responding.

 This will help our emotions to take a seat back while we ask the individual to fully explain himself or we might have analyzed the situation with our calm mind. If the person was really rude or sounded insulting to you, ask them to explain. In some instances, they may not realize how bad and hurtful they sounded towards you.

Ask them to explain and self analyze what was the goal for the conversation, if it was conciliatory, they’re going about it in the wrong way.

Perhaps give them a way out by suggesting an alternative solution.

 As mentioned we humans have to take things further with our fellow humans. If we stop engaging with our fellow humans it leads to dehumanization and moral disengagement—convincing ourselves that ethical standards and other people don’t matter which is worse than taking things personally.

Take things that get on to you, maintaining your self-esteem and pride, as holding little sense of pride in you is of no harm. So, take them personally, in the best possible way. Find a happy medium between being hypersensitive and caring deeply. All in all, take your work and relationships extremely personally. After all, this messy, imperfect, glorious life of ours belongs to us.

Also read, Orthodox families.

One life. Live Boundless